Let’s face it: we’re all feeling more anxious these days. If you’re like many college students, anxiety hits especially hard in social situations. Do you relate to any of these statements?
If so, you might be experiencing social anxiety. People with social anxiety worry that others can tell that they’re anxious, or that they’ll “act in a way that's going to be embarrassing or offensive to others, and will lead to judgment or rejection from other people,” explains Brianna Barnes-Harrington, a psychologist at the University of South Florida counseling center.
Lots of young adults have social anxiety, according to the experts we’ve interviewed.
“Social anxiety is very common,” says Jacqueline Sperling, a clinical psychologist, faculty at Harvard Medical School, and the co-founder and co-program director of the McLean Anxiety Mastery Program. “You absolutely are not alone. There are tools that can help you work toward your goals and participate in valued experiences.”
Keep reading to learn nine ways to deal with social anxiety in college.
Before we dive in, if you’re in crisis right now, don’t wait to reach out for help:
Change is tough, and facing your anxiety isn’t always easy. (Take it from me: I’ve had obsessive-compulsive disorder my whole life, so I get it.)
But it’s important to address anxiety because it can keep you from truly engaging in college life. College years are when we “figure out our place in our social space and get a sense for how we form close relationships,” Barnes-Harrington says. “Sometimes it's the first time that we're experiencing dating, or exploring our gender or sexuality, or our self-expression in different ways.” You don’t want anxiety to hold you back from developing as your whole self.
Plus, it’s pretty hard to avoid social settings in college. Class, parties, residence halls, cafeterias … you’re always around peers.
Here’s the good news: “Things are able to get better and to feel better,” Barnes-Harrington says. “The more that we practice doing different exercises or activities … the easier it'll get over time.”
Anxiety drains the body, and the more depleted you feel, the harder it is to do basic life things. That’s why it’s important to prioritize self-care as part of your mental health.
Need help building some of these skills? If you’re at USF, drop by one of our HEAT sessions, led by peer educators who can help you learn healthy habits.
Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (what you do) are all connected. This concept is part of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). “The whole idea behind CBT is that what we automatically tell ourselves [our thoughts] is going to impact how we feel, which is then going to impact how we behave,” explains Renee Haines, a clinically licensed social worker at the USF Sarasota-Manatee counseling center.
It’s ideal to work with a CBT-trained therapist who can help you change unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors. But you can also start practicing some of these skills yourself.
At the end of each day, reflect on how your feelings changed over the past 24 hours.
After you’ve regularly practiced this exercise at the end of the day, you can try doing it in the moment. When you notice your anxiety spike, ask yourself:
Identifying the situation (what’s happening) can help you track which situations make you anxious. For example, maybe you noticed that your anxiety mostly happens around social events, rather than in-class interactions. This insight can help you better prepare for those anxiety-inducing situations and use the “easier” interactions to practice (like talking to a classmate before you try attending a party).
Now let’s look at how tracking your thoughts can help.
As humans, our brains sometimes make cognitive distortions (or “thinking errors”), and boy does anxiety love to latch onto these! Here are a few examples of common thinking errors:
Addressing unhealthy thoughts is one way to help break the anxiety cycle.
Let’s look at an example: auditioning for the school play. You notice a spike of paralyzing anxiety (feeling) as you walk to the auditions (situation). Take a minute to identify what you’ve been thinking. Maybe it’s I have to be perfect to be successful at this audition. Well, no wonder you’re anxious! Your brain just set unreasonably high expectations for yourself.
“If we tell ourselves, I have to be perfect to be successful, of course, that’s going to ramp up anxiety,” says Haines. “Shifting it to a more balanced thought naturally brings down the intense emotional reaction.”
In this situation, when your brain says I have to be perfect to be successful, challenge that thought: “What’s the evidence of that? A lot of people are successful and make mistakes.”
Practice that balanced, healthy thought every day. It can help to write a script for yourself. I don’t have to be perfect to be successful. A lot of successful people made mistakes on their way to the top. Doing the best I can is enough.
Mindfulness is a powerful tool because it helps you stay in the present moment, without worrying about the past or the future. It’s a practice you can incorporate into your everyday activities. For example, as you walk to that audition, take note of the sensory experiences around you, suggests Haines.
“Instead of focusing on those [negative] thought patterns like, ‘I'm going to fail. I’m not good enough,’ you are describing the way the tree is moving in the wind. You’re describing what the lizard looks like as it's running across the sidewalk. You're really tapping into your senses and just focusing on what's immediately in front of you.”
Try to identify:
When you practice mindfulness, observe the present moment without judgments. The sun on your face isn’t good or bad; it simply is. The thought you’re having (“I’m not good enough”) is just a thought. Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings without judging them, and then bring your attention back to the present.
Mindfulness is just one exercise in your “toolbox” that you can use to manage anxiety. You can also use relaxation techniques, especially before a stressful event, to prepare your body. For example, a couple of hours before a big party, try this progressive muscle relaxation, as explained by Johns Hopkins:
You can also try activities that involve “rhythmic, repetitive motion,” Haines says, because this motion naturally soothes your brain. For example:
Keep in mind that these are just a few tools. A therapist can help you come up with more techniques that work best for you!
Now it’s time to practice getting out of your comfort zone. One of the best ways to do this is through exposure/response prevention (ERP).
ERP is an evidence-based technique that’s best to do with a therapist, but if you can’t get into a session yet, read Sperling’s book Find Your Fierce: How to Put Social Anxiety in Its Place. It breaks down ERP into simple steps you can practice at home.
ERP is about gently trying new challenges until you realize you can tolerate them. Find Your Fierce uses the metaphor of diving into cold water. That’s a big shock to your system, but if you start slowly (dipping your toe in, then your foot, then your leg, and so on), your body has time to acclimate and realizes it can tolerate the experience. The same is true for events that trigger your anxiety.
The key is to start small and “go at a pace that feels approachable,” says Sperling. “In general, each situation typically can be broken down into smaller parts that can allow someone to work their way up to something.”
Here’s an example. You want to attend a large party, but that causes you anxiety. Start small.
It’s okay if you feel anxious during these exposures or if the event doesn’t go the way you planned. “Trying an exposure and showing yourself that you can do it, no matter what happens in the situation, is what makes the exposure a success,” says Sperling. “By putting yourself out there, you'll open up more opportunities for you and for others to get the privilege of connecting with you, too.”
Tackling anxiety isn’t always easy, and that’s normal. “The journey can be bumpy,” Sperling says, because progress isn’t a linear line. All that matters is you keep trying. “By putting themselves out there, [students] will be able to open doors for themselves, be able to do the things that are important to them.”
Find someone who can support you in this journey. As someone with anxiety, I can promise you that talking to therapists has made my life so much better.
Many schools, including USF, offer a range of free mental health resources, including confidential counseling services. You don’t have to wait until you’re in crisis to take make an appointment with a therapist. “Any level of stress is enough to come talk with somebody,” says Barnes-Harrington.
Discover what resources are waiting for you:
Questions about USF’s counseling and wellness services? Check out our Health and Wellness page. And if you need help now, call the USF Counseling Center’s 24-hour emergency line at 813-974-2831.