9 Ways to Deal with Social Anxiety

Let’s face it: we’re all feeling more anxious these days. If you’re like many college students, anxiety hits especially hard in social situations. Do you relate to any of these statements?

• You turn down invitations to parties because they make you too anxious.
• You don’t participate in class because you’re afraid of giving the wrong answer or sounding “dumb.”
• You put off responding to texts because you’re worried you’ll say the wrong thing.
• You want to make friends, but talking to new people feels like too much of a risk — what if you embarrass yourself?
• You don’t dine in the cafeteria because you hate people watching you while you eat.
• You criticize yourself harshly for what you consider public “failures,” like not getting a part in a play or losing a soccer game.

If so, you might be experiencing social anxiety. People with social anxiety worry that others can tell that they’re anxious, or that they’ll “act in a way that's going to be embarrassing or offensive to others, and will lead to judgment or rejection from other people,” explains Brianna Barnes-Harrington, a psychologist at the University of South Florida counseling center.

Lots of young adults have social anxiety, according to the experts we’ve interviewed.

“Social anxiety is very common,” says Jacqueline Sperling, a clinical psychologist, faculty at Harvard Medical School, and the co-founder and co-program director of the McLean Anxiety Mastery Program. “You absolutely are not alone. There are tools that can help you work toward your goals and participate in valued experiences.”

Keep reading to learn nine ways to deal with social anxiety in college. 

9. Don’t Wait to Ask for Help

Before we dive in, if you’re in crisis right now, don’t wait to reach out for help: 

• The national 988 hotline is free and confidential. If you’d rather text than chat, you can contact the crisis text line by texting home to 741741. 
• If you are a currently enrolled USF student, call 813-974-2831 and reach a licensed mental health care professional 24/7. 
• The Trevor Project offers confidential crisis counseling for LGBTQ+ teens: call 1-866-488-7386 or text ‘START’ to 678-678.
• For life-threatening emergencies, call 911. 

8. Understand Why Growth Is Important

Change is tough, and facing your anxiety isn’t always easy. (Take it from me: I’ve had obsessive-compulsive disorder my whole life, so I get it.)

But it’s important to address anxiety because it can keep you from truly engaging in college life. College years are when we “figure out our place in our social space and get a sense for how we form close relationships,” Barnes-Harrington says. “Sometimes it's the first time that we're experiencing dating, or exploring our gender or sexuality, or our self-expression in different ways.” You don’t want anxiety to hold you back from developing as your whole self.

Plus, it’s pretty hard to avoid social settings in college. Class, parties, residence halls, cafeterias … you’re always around peers.

Here’s the good news: “Things are able to get better and to feel better,” Barnes-Harrington says. “The more that we practice doing different exercises or activities … the easier it'll get over time.”

7. Take Care of Yourself Physically

Anxiety drains the body, and the more depleted you feel, the harder it is to do basic life things. That’s why it’s important to prioritize self-care as part of your mental health.

• Aim for good sleep (7-9 hours per night). To prepare your body for a healthy sleep schedule, soak up some sunshine in the morning and go to bed at the same time every day (a Bedtime reminder can help).
• Make sure you’re eating enough food (including fruits and veggies) and drinking enough water.
• Go outside and move around every day. Aerobic activities are supposed to be especially helpful for anxiety, but it’s most important to pick an activity that you enjoy, so you’ll do it consistently. (At USF, students can check out kayaks and paddleboards: a great way to work out and relax on the water.)
• Minimize alcohol use, which makes anxiety worse long-term.
• Connect with people: stay in touch with friends and family and do things that help you build community, says Barnes-Harrington.

Need help building some of these skills? If you’re at USF, drop by one of our HEAT sessions, led by peer educators who can help you learn healthy habits.

6. Understand the Relationship Between Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (what you do) are all connected. This concept is part of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). “The whole idea behind CBT is that what we automatically tell ourselves [our thoughts] is going to impact how we feel, which is then going to impact how we behave,” explains Renee Haines, a clinically licensed social worker at the USF Sarasota-Manatee counseling center.

It’s ideal to work with a CBT-trained therapist who can help you change unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors. But you can also start practicing some of these skills yourself.

At the end of each day, reflect on how your feelings changed over the past 24 hours.

• Was there any time today when you noticed your mood became anxious?
• What thoughts were you having?
• What behavior did you do in response?

After you’ve regularly practiced this exercise at the end of the day, you can try doing it in the moment. When you notice your anxiety spike, ask yourself:

• What’s happening right now?
• What thoughts popped into your head before or during these anxious feelings?
• How are you behaving in response to this anxiety?

Identifying the situation (what’s happening) can help you track which situations make you anxious. For example, maybe you noticed that your anxiety mostly happens around social events, rather than in-class interactions. This insight can help you better prepare for those anxiety-inducing situations and use the “easier” interactions to practice (like talking to a classmate before you try attending a party).

Now let’s look at how tracking your thoughts can help.

5. Challenge Unhealthy Thoughts

As humans, our brains sometimes make cognitive distortions (or “thinking errors”), and boy does anxiety love to latch onto these! Here are a few examples of common thinking errors:

• Black-and-white thinking: Everything is either all good or all bad, with no middle zone. I have to be perfect to be successful at this audition!
• Catastrophizing: Your brain jumps to the worst-case scenario. If I don’t ace this test, I’ll never become a doctor.
• Shoulds and Musts: You blame yourself too harshly for things you “should” or “shouldn’t” have done. I shouldn’t have ever asked that question in class.
• Emotional reasoning: You think that something must be true simply because you feel a certain way. I must’ve said the wrong thing in class because I feel embarrassed.
• Mind reading: Assuming you know what the other person is thinking. My best friend didn’t return my text message, so she must be mad at me!

Addressing unhealthy thoughts is one way to help break the anxiety cycle.

Let’s look at an example: auditioning for the school play. You notice a spike of paralyzing anxiety (feeling) as you walk to the auditions (situation). Take a minute to identify what you’ve been thinking. Maybe it’s I have to be perfect to be successful at this audition. Well, no wonder you’re anxious! Your brain just set unreasonably high expectations for yourself.

“If we tell ourselves, I have to be perfect to be successful, of course, that’s going to ramp up anxiety,” says Haines. “Shifting it to a more balanced thought naturally brings down the intense emotional reaction.”

In this situation, when your brain says I have to be perfect to be successful, challenge that thought: “What’s the evidence of that? A lot of people are successful and make mistakes.”

Practice that balanced, healthy thought every day. It can help to write a script for yourself. I don’t have to be perfect to be successful. A lot of successful people made mistakes on their way to the top. Doing the best I can is enough.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a powerful tool because it helps you stay in the present moment, without worrying about the past or the future. It’s a practice you can incorporate into your everyday activities. For example, as you walk to that audition, take note of the sensory experiences around you, suggests Haines.

“Instead of focusing on those [negative] thought patterns like, ‘I'm going to fail. I’m not good enough,’ you are describing the way the tree is moving in the wind. You’re describing what the lizard looks like as it's running across the sidewalk. You're really tapping into your senses and just focusing on what's immediately in front of you.”

Try to identify:

• 5 things you see
• 4 things you hear
• 3 things you touch
• 2 things you smell
• 1 thing you taste

When you practice mindfulness, observe the present moment without judgments. The sun on your face isn’t good or bad; it simply is. The thought you’re having (“I’m not good enough”) is just a thought. Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings without judging them, and then bring your attention back to the present.

3. Ground Yourself Before a Stressful Event

Mindfulness is just one exercise in your “toolbox” that you can use to manage anxiety. You can also use relaxation techniques, especially before a stressful event, to prepare your body. For example, a couple of hours before a big party, try this progressive muscle relaxation, as explained by Johns Hopkins:

• In a quiet place, sit or lie down in a comfortable position.
• Take a few gentle breaths, in and out.
• Begin tensing groups of muscles one at a time as you breathe. Hold the tension as you inhale, then release it as you exhale. Take a few breaths as you notice (and enjoy) how relaxed each muscle group feels.
• Start with the muscles in your head, neck and face. Move down to your shoulders, hands and arms, back, stomach, buttocks, thighs, calves and feet.
• Repeat for any areas that are still tense.

You can also try activities that involve “rhythmic, repetitive motion,” Haines says, because this motion naturally soothes your brain. For example:

• Walking
• Drawing or doodling
• Coloring
• Listening to music
• Dancing/ drumming
• Stretching

Keep in mind that these are just a few tools. A therapist can help you come up with more techniques that work best for you!

2. Practice Doing Challenging Activities

Now it’s time to practice getting out of your comfort zone. One of the best ways to do this is through exposure/response prevention (ERP).

ERP is an evidence-based technique that’s best to do with a therapist, but if you can’t get into a session yet, read Sperling’s book Find Your Fierce: How to Put Social Anxiety in Its Place. It breaks down ERP into simple steps you can practice at home.

ERP is about gently trying new challenges until you realize you can tolerate them. Find Your Fierce uses the metaphor of diving into cold water. That’s a big shock to your system, but if you start slowly (dipping your toe in, then your foot, then your leg, and so on), your body has time to acclimate and realizes it can tolerate the experience. The same is true for events that trigger your anxiety.

The key is to start small and “go at a pace that feels approachable,” says Sperling. “In general, each situation typically can be broken down into smaller parts that can allow someone to work their way up to something.”

Here’s an example. You want to attend a large party, but that causes you anxiety. Start small.

• Say hi to people in the hallway.
• Roleplay a conversation with a family member you’re comfortable with.
• Have a conversation with a classmate.
• Spend time with a familiar person, then two people, then a few more people.
• Set your timer and go to a party for, say, 15 minutes. (Pick an amount of time that feels achievable, but also stretches your comfort zone just a little).
• Next time, stay longer.
• Keep climbing this “exposure ladder” until you can tolerate attending that party.

It’s okay if you feel anxious during these exposures or if the event doesn’t go the way you planned. “Trying an exposure and showing yourself that you can do it, no matter what happens in the situation, is what makes the exposure a success,” says Sperling. “By putting yourself out there, you'll open up more opportunities for you and for others to get the privilege of connecting with you, too.”

1. Talk to a Mental Health Counselor

Tackling anxiety isn’t always easy, and that’s normal. “The journey can be bumpy,” Sperling says, because progress isn’t a linear line. All that matters is you keep trying. “By putting themselves out there, [students] will be able to open doors for themselves, be able to do the things that are important to them.”

Find someone who can support you in this journey. As someone with anxiety, I can promise you that talking to therapists has made my life so much better.

Many schools, including USF, offer a range of free mental health resources, including confidential counseling services. You don’t have to wait until you’re in crisis to take make an appointment with a therapist. “Any level of stress is enough to come talk with somebody,” says Barnes-Harrington.

Discover what resources are waiting for you:

Questions about USF’s counseling and wellness services? Check out our Health and Wellness page. And if you need help now, call the USF Counseling Center’s 24-hour emergency line at 813-974-2831.