How to Help Students with Parents Who Object to Higher Education
To most families, sending a student to college is an exciting milestone — the start of a promising future. But a growing number of families have a different perspective. They lack confidence in higher education and object to their child enrolling in college, insisting they take a different path to success.
According to a recent Gallup poll, “Americans’ confidence in higher education has fallen to 36%, sharply lower than in two prior readings in 2015 (57%) and 2018 (48%).” This number is shocking. It suggests that more students will be coming into conflict with their parents over college choices, and college counselors may find themselves advising those students more frequently in the coming years.
How can college counselors best help their students navigate this challenging conflict?
Talk to the Student About Their Goals for Higher Education
College Covered, a student loan guide, offered excellent advice for counselors: “You can only advocate for the student if you know what they want and how college could facilitate their goals.” Have a conversation with your student to gain insight into their personal feelings about college — and life after. Ask questions like:
“What do you want out of life?”
Does your student want acclaim or privacy? Wealth, or a simple life with just the bare necessities? Do they want to live in a certain special place, stay close to home, or be adventurous? At what age do they see themselves settling down, perhaps starting a family?
The decisions a student makes about college can have far-reaching effects on the way their life turns out, and they may find that a four-year degree isn’t the best way to get what they want; another path may be a better fit for their life goals.
“What do you want your career to look like?”
Similarly, college decisions have long-term ramifications for your student’s work as an adult. Some people arrive at a career path early, easily, and with confidence. Others may waffle well into their college experience, and still others feel lost even after earning a degree.
If your student doesn’t have a career in mind already, their parents’ resistance may be a blessing in disguise, giving them more time to decide. And even if your student is passionately committed to one career, there are probably many ways to enter that field. Once you understand their career goals, you can put some alternatives on the table that may be an attractive way forward for your student, like vocational training or a gap year to gain work experience.
“Do you have a specific college or program of study you want to attend?”
It may be easier for your student’s parents to object to a generic ask than it is for them to object to a clear, defined purpose. If your student has a specific college plan in mind that will advance their goals, they should let their parents in on their thought process. College counselors can act as a knowledgeable third party who can speak to the efficacy of the student’s plan and the likelihood of success.
It’s even better when a student knows exactly which degree program they want to enroll in because that shows an unusual level of research and forethought. Many students struggle to decide on a major even after a few semesters of college. A high school student who has already done this work is signaling an uncommon level of maturity, which may help persuade resistant parents.
“Why do you want to go to college?”
This general question can reveal a lot. Everyone has different reasons for wanting to go to college, and some common appeals won’t do much to win over parents who already view higher education negatively. Saying, “My AP Physics teacher said I have a future as an engineer” is a lot more compelling than “All my friends are going to college and I’ll feel like a loser if I don’t go, too.”
Probe for your student’s most fundamental motivation. You might find something powerful that will cause their parents to reconsider.
Talk to the Student’s Parents About Their Concerns
There are two sides to every story and two perspectives in every conflict. As people who place a high value on higher education, our knee-jerk reaction may be to assume that the parent is in the wrong. We might reason that if they knew better, they would enthusiastically support their child’s college plans. Things in life are rarely so simple, though.
To have any hope of persuading parents who object to higher education, you must understand their concerns. Once you’ve gotten to the bottom of your student’s side of the debate, open a dialogue with their parents, who may have common objections like:
They Don’t See the Value of Higher Education
In the same Gallup poll results we mentioned earlier, 46% of parents said they wouldn’t want their children to go to a four-year college after high school, even if there were no obstacles. This decline in the perceived value of higher education may be causing your student’s family strife, too.
“Fueling the skepticism are legitimate gripes about rising tuition, disappointing graduation rates at many colleges and poor job prospects for some fields of study,” the Hechinger Report pointed out.
While parents who had bachelor’s degrees were more likely to want their children to achieve the same, one third of this group preferred no college education for their kids. Suburban families tended to embrace college, while rural families objected. And finally, “political party affiliation proved to be the strongest distinguishing factor. Seventy percent of Democrats prefer a four-year degree, compared to 46 percent of Republicans and 48 percent of independents.”
As America grapples with a student loan crisis, where “a significant portion of indebted college graduates and non-graduate borrowers do not have sufficient income to pay their debts,” skepticism about the value of higher education is understandable. It’s also why career training programs have had a resurgence recently.
Hard data can combat anti-higher education rhetoric. Drawing from data collected in 2019 by the Georgetown University Center on Education and the Workforce, the Hechinger Report showed that “the 40-year return on investment for a four-year college degree added up to $864,000 on average in today’s dollars, compared to $723,000 for a two-year degree and $577,000 for a shorter training certificate.”
While career training pays off more in the short term, people with bachelor's degrees earn more in the long term on average. A college education has clear value. 
They Don’t Believe Their Child is Capable of Success in Higher Education
We often take it for granted that parents only see their kids as amazing, but some parents doubt their children’s abilities. They may feel like their child isn’t smart enough for higher education or lacks the discipline necessary to succeed in college. They may not believe that their child is equipped to adapt to a new social environment. Whatever they see in their child, it’s caused them to believe they aren’t compatible with higher education.
They may even be onto something. After all, parents have an age-old saying: “I know you better than you know yourself.” Our parents watch us grow up and can notice things we fail to realize about ourselves. Ask if they think their child has a chance to succeed in college, and if not, why not? If you disagree, gently offer another perspective.
Even if a student may have an unusual level of difficulty with college, many colleges are rolling out robust student success initiatives to bridge achievement gaps. For example, USF’s student success project took our four-year graduation rate from 42% in 2013-14 to 64% in 2019-20.
University resources help students make connections, maintain mental health, improve writing and math skills, and prepare for employment, all at no additional cost. Inform parents about these programs to show them a potential solution to their concerns about their child’s ability.
They Aren’t Ready for Their Child to Leave Home
Parents who object to higher education may not be ready to see their child go off on their own. Sending a kid to college can be a huge, transformative life event, and their resistance may be rooted in a common parental fear: “I’m not ready to see my baby all grown up.”
Encouraging parents to open up to their child about this personal issue can start to break down barriers to discussion. It may make them more amenable to their child’s higher education goals, too. Suggest that the family lay down expectations for communication while their child is away or consider nearby colleges where they can see each other more often and be involved in their child’s education — a known factor in student success. According to Inside Higher Ed, “Students who reported receiving more emotional support from their families were 19 percent more likely to have a grade point average of 3.0 or higher, 19 percent more likely to accumulate at least 24 credits during their first year and 24 percent more likely to finish a second year of college.”
They Have Concerns About the Cost of Higher Education
Rising tuition costs are driving higher education skepticism. Considering the large cost of attendance, some parents wonder if it’s smart for their child to take on such a financial burden. The student loan crisis has given parents pause where before, signing up for loans was a matter of course.
To soften this objection, inform them about scholarships and grants that may be available for their child. Encourage them to fill out the FAFSA so they can get real financial aid offers and make this decision with all the facts.
Suggestions for Students Whose Parents Object to Higher Education
Once you’ve talked to both parties and understand where each is coming from, you can effectively advise your student on how to move forward. Remind them that you are an ally and advocate, but ultimately, your word will only get them so far; in the end, they must convince their parents that they are ready for college. You can help them strategize and offer to role play the conversation to build their confidence.
Realizing that your parents don’t approve of your dreams is a common experience, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Tell your student to remember these principles:
- Rehearse the conversation.
- Resist defending your viewpoint.
- Dig for the deeper anxieties.
- Remember their loving intentions.
“The desire for our parent’s approval is universal. We want to know that we’ve made them proud and that the direction our lives are taking honors their sacrificial efforts to parent us well,” Ron Carucci wrote in the Harvard Business Review. “A part of becoming a healthy, independent adult is letting go of your need for approval and forming your own convictions and decision-making capabilities.”
When a person truly cannot reach agreement with their parents, they may have to settle for something else. “Distinguishing support from approval can be eye-opening for parents since, up until this point, they may have viewed them as one and the same,” Carucci observed.
Here are a few approaches that you can suggest to a student whose parents object to higher education:
Take a Gap Year
Instead of saying “no college ever,” your student’s parents may actually be saying “no college right now.” In that case, your student can take a gap year and pursue other opportunities. With experience under their belt, they can enroll in college later and still be successful — maybe even more so!
By intentionally pursuing interests before college enrollment, “students can gain valuable knowledge and increased motivation and focus needed to propel their education forward,” the National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS) observes. NOLS also points out that students who gain experience before college are often able to speak more passionately about their educational goals, impressing college admissions officers. Your student may find that even one year expands their options significantly. 
Find Ways to Reassure Your Parents
Rather than insisting that their parents’ objections aren’t valid, your student might find better results if they calmly address each concern. If their parents worry about lack of discipline, your student can ask them for ways to demonstrate responsibility. If their parents are worried about them moving far away, your student can offer to stay closer to home or commit to a visit each semester. Regard for others’ concerns is a sign of maturity and a much better approach than defiance and tantrums.
Create a Measurable Plan and Prove Your Commitment
A concrete, measurable plan will show your student’s parents that they are serious, have put thought into the decision, and accept their authority. Include a timeline: What results should they expect and when?
Your student’s parents may agree to let them start college on a probationary basis, on the condition that they keep a certain GPA or maintain employment. Maybe they’ll agree to starting at a community college before transferring to a four-year college later. This approach considers everyone’s viewpoints and gives your student an opportunity to prove their college readiness.
Explain That You Need Some Help — Even If It’s Not a Lot
It’s a fact: If your student’s parents refuse to provide any financial support, no other support will be offered. Finaid explains, “Your first goal should be to encourage your parents to complete the financial aid forms [FAFSA]. Even if they don’t want to help you pay for college costs, by refusing to complete the forms they prevent you from getting aid on your own account (e.g., government grants and student loans).” Schools also rely on the FAFSA to determine eligibility for their own scholarships.
Your student’s parents may refuse to give them a single penny towards college tuition, but if they at least submit their financial information on the FAFSA, the student will have options available. Without the completed FAFSA, they’ll be stuck at square one. If parents are concerned about privacy, they should know that the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) keeps their information confidential. The FAFSA process doesn’t take long and agreeing to simply fill out the form may be a good compromise to resolve the conflict.
Your Last Resort
If nothing we’ve discussed so far works…sorry. Your student’s options are severely limited, and college may not be possible until they can get their parents to compromise or change their dependency status.
You should recommend that your student contact the financial aid administrator at their prospective college, who may be able to intercede and convince their parents to fill out the FAFSA. If that fails, the financial aid officer may be able to help your student access their last resort: an unsubsidized student loan for students in this circumstance. This payment method is not recommended because it results in massive amounts of high-interest debt that may be avoided with some patience.
Conclusion
It can be extremely difficult for a student who dreams of going to college to find their loved ones standing in the way of that dream. It’s a complex situation. The disagreement can stem from a wide variety of factors and it’s easy for the discussions to get emotional.
As a college counselor, you can guide your student through conflict resolution, present alternatives, help your student find the bright side, and act as an ally and advocate.
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