How to Stay Connected with Your College Freshman

Your student is off to college! This is a huge, exciting life transition for them — and for you. It’s normal to feel nervous, says Dalton Hoffer, associate director of USF’s Parent and Family Engagement Team. When he leads orientation, Hoffer prompts families, “Raise your hand if you’re nervous about your student coming to college.” Almost everyone's hands go up.

“Then I tell them to look around, so they can see this is a shared experience," Hoffer says.

As Hoffer demonstrates, you’re not the only one who’s anxious about letting go. One of the hardest parts is acknowledging that your “kid” isn’t a kid anymore – they’re a young adult. You want to respect their newfound independence while still giving them the support they need to thrive. How do you balance this?

We asked the experts. Here’s their advice on how you can stay connected with your college freshman.

Make a Communication Plan

Ask your student how often they want to talk and what their preferred method is. Texting? Video chats? Snail mail? Messenger pigeon? Message in a bottle? Establish a shared set of expectations. For example, you might agree to a recurring phone call (no more than once a week).

Ultimately, allow your student the freedom to modify your communication plan: They might need extra time and space to get adjusted. “Let the student be the lead on what that [communication] looks like at first. If for some reason it's not working, you can revisit the conversation,” says Carolina Nutt, senior director of USF’s New Student and Family Engagement. "I guarantee you, they're going to text you."

In fact, that first call or text usually happens sooner than you’d expect. “As a parent, you probably want to know all the details, and you're probably worried that your student is not going to call you,” Nutt says. “What I see often happening is the student actually calls before the parents have even left the parking lot, because they're like, ‘Where is X, Y, and Z? Mom always knows!’”

Teach “Adulting” Skills

Once your student is in college, embrace your role as “coach.” Your goal is to help your student find solutions themselves, instead of fixing everything for them.

You can build your student’s confidence by helping them practice “adulting” skills while they’re still at home. Encourage them to make their own doctors’ appointments, do their own laundry, pick up groceries, and wake up in the morning without your help. (For inspiration, check out our blog on the ten life skills every college student should know.)

It's natural to want to help your student, but Nutt advises parents to hold back: “The more you do for them, the more they’re going to rely on you,” she says. “The whole purpose of college is to allow families to let their students grow in their independence. You can encourage, you can support, you can cheer them on, but allow the student to take their own actions.”

Educate Yourself on Campus Resources

You might be taking a step back, but rest assured that your student isn’t on their own. They’re surrounded by on-campus support. Here are just a few well-being resources USF offers:

• Campus health centers. A team of experts, including primary care doctors, nutritionists, physical therapists, mental health counselors, and psychiatrists, is ready to help students feel their best.
• Learning resources. From librarians to tutors to writing centers, students can find individualized academic support.
• Victim advocacy centers. If a student feels unsafe, advocates provide free and confidential help.
• Residence hall staff. Resident advisors (R.A.s) help students manage everything from roommate conflict to homesickness.
• Student support offices. Case managers work holistically to explore what’s causing students trouble and get them back on track academically.
• Peer mentors. Peer mentors and educators provide individual guidance and lead group workshops.

Now that you have a list of campus resources, line up community connections, too. For example, if your student has their own car, where will they go for repairs? Where’s your student getting their haircut? What’s the nearest grocery store? What about the dentist? Planning in advance makes their transition smoother.

Stay Calm

Prepare to get some stressful calls during the first six weeks of college — this is totally normal.

“The first couple of weeks may be like the honeymoon period,” Nutt explains. “Then the reality hits. It may be the first test. It may be their first roommate disagreement. It may be that they are missing their pet from home or [a] home-cooked meal.”

Here’s how to handle that tough call:

• Take your student’s distress with a grain of salt: They may have had a bad night, but that doesn’t mean their whole college experience is miserable.
• Ask open-ended questions to get to the root of the problem.
• Let your student do the work. For example, when your student says they can’t stand their roommate, don’t pick up the phone and call the residence hall yourself. Instead, say, “Have you contacted your peer advisor leader or your R.A.? What do they suggest?”
• Remain non-judgmental: “Adolescents in my studies say one of the most common reasons they don’t share information with their parents is they think it will upset them,” a professor wrote in Psychology Today. “When parents react negatively, they now have two problems: their own feelings and yours.”
• Keep in mind that they’re a (young) adult now. Try not to think of them as a “kid,” even if they’ll always be your baby, and trust them to take responsibility. (In fact, “helicopter parenting” increases their risk of depression.)
• Most of all, remember what Hoffer says: “They are more resilient than you might give them credit for.”

Send Snail Mail

If you suspect your student is lonely, a care package can cheer them up — and they’re lots of fun to make!

“Snail mail does the soul wonder,” Hoffer says. “Something as simple as a small card could go a really, really long way.”

A care package doesn’t have to be fancy. “It could be a picture of their pet. Something … that reminds them of home,” Nutt says. Homemade cookies are always a hit.

But if you do want to splurge, check out our gift ideas for every kind of college student, including The Sleepyhead (a fancy alarm clock that is not Mom), The Homesick (a prepaid roundtrip ticket for that first trip home), and The Unorganized (a Bluetooth tracker so they can find their phone without you).

Stay Up to Date

You want to stay informed, and you can do so by subscribing to newsletters, like USF’s Parent and Family BULLetin, and downloading campus safety notification apps.

But keep in mind that some information won’t be as easily accessible as before. For example, federal law prohibits a university from disclosing records unless your student grants permission.

“It's really easy for the student to grant their third-party proxy access to any member of their family,” Nutt says. “It doesn't have to be a parent. It could be an uncle, aunt, grandma, sister, brother, whoever, but the student has to initiate that.”

Talk to your student about granting you access, but also make sure to respect their boundaries, just as you would for any other adult. They’re not in high school anymore: Resist the temptation to ask for (or steal!) their password to log in yourself.

Encourage Campus Life

Of course you love seeing your student, but if they’re coming home every weekend, it can make their transition harder. Plus, all the other students staying on campus will be busy forming friendships, and you don’t want your student to feel left out when they return.

“Instead, schedule the first visit, whether that's family weekend, fall break, Thanksgiving, or winter break,” suggests this U.S. News & World Report article. “Another way to address homesickness is pushing students to get involved in clubs, volunteer, or attend events on campus.”

USF Bulls can find campus clubs and organizations through Bulls Connect. With hundreds of clubs and 1000+ events across our three campuses, there’s always something going on.

Get Involved Yourself

Most schools host events like family mixers and family weekends so you can get involved. But you don’t have to wait for an official gathering to visit your student. Just make sure you let them know you’re coming. (Imagine how you would feel if your parents dropped by before you had time to clean your house!)

Be sure to show up (with your student’s permission) for big milestones, like a research presentation, an award ceremony, or a performance. Positive family involvement is a big indicator of college success — your student wants you to cheer them on.

Most of all, remember that your student isn’t the only one joining a new community: You are, too. “You’re not in this alone,” Nutt says. “It may feel like you are, especially if this is your first child going to college … but there is a whole group of people here to encourage and support, and that starts with other [students’] family members.”

If your student is USF-bound, that also includes us. Contact the Parent and Family Engagement Team and New Student Connections with any questions! We’ve got your back.