Mistakes Parents of College Students Should Avoid

When your student heads off to college, it rocks both their world and yours. As their life changes, your role in it shifts, too. It’s normal to feel anxious about this transition. After all, when you’re venturing into uncharted territory, how do you know whether you’re doing the right things?

We’ve got your back. To make the path ahead smoother, we’ve compiled five do’s and don’ts for parenting college-bound students, so you can avoid some of the most common mistakes.

1. Don’t Choose Their Path for Them

Maybe you just know your kid would be a perfect engineer. Look at all the LEGO competitions they’ve won! Or maybe you dream of them attending your alma mater, where they can relive your glory days.

It’s tempting to push them onto a path where you believe they’ll thrive. But that would hijack your student’s burgeoning independence! Choosing a college and major are some of the first big decisions they’ll make in their adult lives.

Plus, pushing them to choose a school that’s wrong for them (even if it feels right to you) may backfire, explains USF’s director of undergraduate recruitment, Derek Nettingham. “If a student doesn't feel connected to their institution, their propensity to drop out skyrockets.” Without being deeply invested in their university, major, or peer group, attending school becomes “just going through the motions.” It becomes much easier for them to lose motivation.

Instead of pushing your college choices, talk to your kid about their needs and “pick a fit that matches the student,” Nettingham advises. “They're going to be in the classroom, not you."

Do Have College Conversations with Your Student

Your role is to guide your student as they make the college choices that are right for them. Try asking open-ended questions about their interests and goals. The earlier you begin this conversation, the better, says Nettingham. Starting in seventh or eighth grade, discuss “what your student’s strengths are, what they like, what institution may suit them well.”

As they get older, you can ask more specific questions:

• Where do you see yourself after college?
• What major do you think could get you there?
• What other majors are you interested in?
• Why does this school interest you?
• What else do you like about it?
• What are your concerns about this school/major?
• How can I support you?
• What can I do to help you through this decision?

For extra support, download our college planning guide for tips on what to do during each year of your student’s high school journey.

2. Don’t Add Pressure

From vocational schools to transfer programs, there are tons of different paths to higher education. But society pressures students to conform to the traditional one: a selective, four-year college right after high school.

As a parent, you feel that pressure, too. If your student gets denied by their dream school, it’s going to hit you hard. But try not to put your own worries on their shoulders. The truth is, there’s no single “right path” to success after high school, and studies show that graduates from elite universities are no happier than those from less-selective schools.

Most importantly, never compare your student to someone else. Phrases like “If only you could be more like your Harvard-bound sister” are more devastating than most parents realize. “It hurts their feelings. You may think it doesn't, but they're always talking with us [admissions officers] after your conversation, so we know,” Nettingham says.

Do Explore Alternate Pathways with Your Student

Educate yourself about all the different paths your student can take so you can calmly present them with their options. For example, if they’re denied admission to universities, they could consider:

• A technical or vocational program
• A gap year
• A community college
• A pathway program

Whatever happens, help your student understand that you have their back.

“The supportive family member is literally supporting them in every facet of the admissions journey, whether they get in or they don't, and then pivoting where the student needs,” Nettingham says. “You can tell the confidence in the students that have that [support].”

Make sure you tell them you love them and are proud of them, even if you think they already know this, he adds. “Affirm it, say it out loud, because when they're not around you, especially in this day and age, they're getting a lot of messaging that says they're not good enough.”

3. Don’t Keep Your Student in a “Box”

You probably have a pretty solid picture of who your kid is right now. But when they return for holiday break, you might be surprised to find that your student doesn’t quite fit that picture anymore.

“If done right, college exposes students to many new activities, interests, and perspectives … and these things may change them somehow,” explains this Grown & Flown article.

“I've had parents that are like, ‘Man, my child left an introvert and came back an extrovert. What the heck do I do?’" Nettingham says. He tells parents, “If this is them finding their new voice, empower them … let them reinvent themselves. As long as they're not harming themselves, as long as you're seeing things that are positive and they feel comfortable in what they're doing, go for it.”

The more open-minded and affirming you are with your student, the more likely they’ll continue to share important milestones in their life with you.

Do Listen and Learn with Your Student 

Embrace your student’s identity in all its forms, listen to their new ideas and passions, and make your home a safe space for them to share who they are — at every stage of their growth. Here’s how:

• Tap into your sense of curiosity. Sure, their new major may surprise you (can they really make it as an environmental artist with a minor in beekeeping??), but they might just know something you don’t. Be ready to ask truly curious questions and read any materials your student suggests.
• Listen rather than debate. Your goal isn’t to change your student’s mind about anything, but to deeply listen to them.
• Be ready to say three things: “Thank you for sharing this with me. I love you, and I support you.”

4. Don’t Do Your Student’s Work 

You might be tempted to do the legwork for your student’s college applications. This is one of the most common mistakes Nettingham sees from parents, but it’s also one of the most important to avoid. Otherwise, you’re not preparing your student to take responsibility for their lives. 

“If you're not easing them into that [responsibility], you're just making it worse …. There will be a guaranteed point in time where there's going to be facets of their university journey that you're not going to be able to weigh in on,” Nettingham says. “The [example] I always tell parents that they laugh about is, ‘Give me one professor that is going to take a call from Mom or Dad.’ It's not going to happen.”

Avoid filling out the application or doing the onboarding paperwork yourself, and never use your own email for admissions correspondence. If your student has trouble replying to emails, now is a great time to teach them this skill!

Do Connect Them with Support

During the application process, think of yourself as your student’s coach. “You can hover in the background as a parent and keep yourself informed so that, as things pop up, you can provide adequate support,” says Nettingham. Educate yourself on college admissions processes and deadlines, so you can be ready to gently prompt your student about their next steps. If you do assist them, make sure they’re actively participating in every step of the process.

Once they’re in college, help them seek support from the wealth of resources on campus. College provides a “scaffolding” where students can practice adulthood in a safe environment. Their campus will be outfitted with peer mentors, academic advisors, mental health counselors, nutritionists, residential advisors, fitness coaches, and a ton of other helpers you probably didn’t even know existed.

For example:

• Are they struggling to write an essay? Resist the urge to fix their grammar mistakes. Instead, direct them to the free writing center.
• Are they asking you to make a doctor’s appointment for them? Suggest they visit the campus health center.
• Are they worried about their roommate? Listen to their concerns, but (instead of showing up to the dorm yourself!) advise your student to call their resident advisor for assistance.
• Are they coming home every weekend? Encourage them to make friends and get involved on campus. 

5. Don’t Go It Alone 

Your student is joining a new community — but so are you. “You’re not in this alone,” says Carolina Nutt, senior director of USF’s New Student and Family Engagement. “It may feel like you are, especially if this is your first child going to college … but there is a whole group of people here to encourage and support, and that starts with other [students’] family members.”

Get involved with family mixers and parent weekends, and connect with the family engagement team at your student’s school.

Whatever your concerns, at the Admit-a-Bull blog, we’ve always got your back:

• Worried about the stress of college apps? Check out these mental health tips to help your student get through college applications.
• Concerned about your student’s adulting skills? Start fostering independence by teaching them the ten life skills every college student should know.
• Confused about your student’s admission decision? Here’s what parents need to know about different types of college admissions.
• Anxious to keep in touch with your student once they’re in college? Read our tips on how to be a supportive college parent. 

If you’ve got questions about USF or our admissions process, our friendly admissions officers are ready to help. Reach out to us online or give us a call at (813) 974-3350.