When your student heads off to college, it rocks both their world and yours. As their life changes, your role in it shifts, too. It’s normal to feel anxious about this transition. After all, when you’re venturing into uncharted territory, how do you know whether you’re doing the right things?
We’ve got your back. To make the path ahead smoother, we’ve compiled five do’s and don’ts for parenting college-bound students, so you can avoid some of the most common mistakes.
Maybe you just know your kid would be a perfect engineer. Look at all the LEGO competitions they’ve won! Or maybe you dream of them attending your alma mater, where they can relive your glory days.
It’s tempting to push them onto a path where you believe they’ll thrive. But that would hijack your student’s burgeoning independence! Choosing a college and major are some of the first big decisions they’ll make in their adult lives.
Plus, pushing them to choose a school that’s wrong for them (even if it feels right to you) may backfire, explains USF’s director of undergraduate recruitment, Derek Nettingham. “If a student doesn't feel connected to their institution, their propensity to drop out skyrockets.” Without being deeply invested in their university, major, or peer group, attending school becomes “just going through the motions.” It becomes much easier for them to lose motivation.
Instead of pushing your college choices, talk to your kid about their needs and “pick a fit that matches the student,” Nettingham advises. “They're going to be in the classroom, not you."
Your role is to guide your student as they make the college choices that are right for them. Try asking open-ended questions about their interests and goals. The earlier you begin this conversation, the better, says Nettingham. Starting in seventh or eighth grade, discuss “what your student’s strengths are, what they like, what institution may suit them well.”
As they get older, you can ask more specific questions:
For extra support, download our college planning guide for tips on what to do during each year of your student’s high school journey.
From vocational schools to transfer programs, there are tons of different paths to higher education. But society pressures students to conform to the traditional one: a selective, four-year college right after high school.
As a parent, you feel that pressure, too. If your student gets denied by their dream school, it’s going to hit you hard. But try not to put your own worries on their shoulders. The truth is, there’s no single “right path” to success after high school, and studies show that graduates from elite universities are no happier than those from less-selective schools.
Most importantly, never compare your student to someone else. Phrases like “If only you could be more like your Harvard-bound sister” are more devastating than most parents realize. “It hurts their feelings. You may think it doesn't, but they're always talking with us [admissions officers] after your conversation, so we know,” Nettingham says.
Educate yourself about all the different paths your student can take so you can calmly present them with their options. For example, if they’re denied admission to universities, they could consider:
Whatever happens, help your student understand that you have their back.
“The supportive family member is literally supporting them in every facet of the admissions journey, whether they get in or they don't, and then pivoting where the student needs,” Nettingham says. “You can tell the confidence in the students that have that [support].”
Make sure you tell them you love them and are proud of them, even if you think they already know this, he adds. “Affirm it, say it out loud, because when they're not around you, especially in this day and age, they're getting a lot of messaging that says they're not good enough.”
You probably have a pretty solid picture of who your kid is right now. But when they return for holiday break, you might be surprised to find that your student doesn’t quite fit that picture anymore.
“If done right, college exposes students to many new activities, interests, and perspectives … and these things may change them somehow,” explains this Grown & Flown article.
“I've had parents that are like, ‘Man, my child left an introvert and came back an extrovert. What the heck do I do?’" Nettingham says. He tells parents, “If this is them finding their new voice, empower them … let them reinvent themselves. As long as they're not harming themselves, as long as you're seeing things that are positive and they feel comfortable in what they're doing, go for it.”
The more open-minded and affirming you are with your student, the more likely they’ll continue to share important milestones in their life with you.
Embrace your student’s identity in all its forms, listen to their new ideas and passions, and make your home a safe space for them to share who they are — at every stage of their growth. Here’s how:
You might be tempted to do the legwork for your student’s college applications. This is one of the most common mistakes Nettingham sees from parents, but it’s also one of the most important to avoid. Otherwise, you’re not preparing your student to take responsibility for their lives.
“If you're not easing them into that [responsibility], you're just making it worse …. There will be a guaranteed point in time where there's going to be facets of their university journey that you're not going to be able to weigh in on,” Nettingham says. “The [example] I always tell parents that they laugh about is, ‘Give me one professor that is going to take a call from Mom or Dad.’ It's not going to happen.”
Avoid filling out the application or doing the onboarding paperwork yourself, and never use your own email for admissions correspondence. If your student has trouble replying to emails, now is a great time to teach them this skill!
During the application process, think of yourself as your student’s coach. “You can hover in the background as a parent and keep yourself informed so that, as things pop up, you can provide adequate support,” says Nettingham. Educate yourself on college admissions processes and deadlines, so you can be ready to gently prompt your student about their next steps. If you do assist them, make sure they’re actively participating in every step of the process.
Once they’re in college, help them seek support from the wealth of resources on campus. College provides a “scaffolding” where students can practice adulthood in a safe environment. Their campus will be outfitted with peer mentors, academic advisors, mental health counselors, nutritionists, residential advisors, fitness coaches, and a ton of other helpers you probably didn’t even know existed.
For example:
Your student is joining a new community — but so are you. “You’re not in this alone,” says Carolina Nutt, senior director of USF’s New Student and Family Engagement. “It may feel like you are, especially if this is your first child going to college … but there is a whole group of people here to encourage and support, and that starts with other [students’] family members.”
Get involved with family mixers and parent weekends, and connect with the family engagement team at your student’s school.
Whatever your concerns, at the Admit-a-Bull blog, we’ve always got your back:
If you’ve got questions about USF or our admissions process, our friendly admissions officers are ready to help. Reach out to us online or give us a call at (813) 974-3350.