Six Interpersonal Skills for College Students

It takes a whole social toolbox to thrive in college. But if you’re like many college students, you might feel like you lack some of these tools, especially since the pandemic interrupted your high school experience. How do you make new friends? Set boundaries with roommates? Join a conversation at a party?

Good news: We develop these skills through practice, and it’s never too late to start. In fact, college is the perfect opportunity! Many of your peers are in the same boat, and a lot of campus resources are designed to help you develop interpersonal tools.

Follow these tips to master six interpersonal skills for college students.

6. How to Start a Conversation

We know starting a conversation cold can be intimidating, so we’ve assembled some easy ice-breakers you can keep in your back pocket. The next time you want to talk to someone new, try one of these:

• Ask an easy question. USF peer mentor Juan Carlos Justo suggested you ask a classmate an easy question like, “Do you know what we’re doing in class today?” This can kick off a conversation about your majors, interests, and even weekend plans — just go with the flow! You can use this strategy in other situations, too, like asking someone at the campus café for their coffee recommendation. 
• Give a genuine compliment. Is that girl in your hall wearing the cutest earrings? Tell her!  “One of the students in my study … said that she met her best friend after telling this girl that she really liked her shorts,” recalled Janice McCabe, the author of Connecting in College: How Friendship Networks Matter for Academic and Social Success.
• Introduce yourself. Sometimes, being friendly and direct is the easiest way to reach out: “Hey, I’m Rory, from your bio class. Is there room for me under this tree? It’s my favorite place to study!”
• Offer help. For example, when you see someone looking for a place to sit in the dining hall, invite them to join your table. “If you find yourself in a position to help someone you want to talk to, seize the moment and assist them,” explained this article from Indeed.
• Check in. Simply asking, “Hey, how’s your day going?” can demonstrate empathy and interest. When your conversation partner responds, make sure you actively listen and ask relevant follow-up questions. Then share something about your day and match their intimacy level: If they revealed something slightly vulnerable (“I’m feeling so overwhelmed”), do the same (“I’ve been feeling homesick”).
• Ask for a book or movie recommendation. Best case scenario, you find out you’re both obsessed with The Great British Bake-off. Worst-case scenario, they get to tell you about their current fixation. Sounds like a win-win!
• Celebrate a shared victory or a common experience. As students of the same school, you have some broad things in common: e.g., sports teams. (“Did you hear the Bulls won last night?” is a simple way to start a conversation.) Joining a club or a living-learning community will also help you start conversations over more unique, shared cultural experiences, like customs, world-views, interests, or identities.

Remember that open-ended questions (which can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no”) encourage people to share more about themselves. For example, if someone says, “I didn’t hear about the Bulls because I don’t follow sports,” you can say, “That’s cool. What do you like to do?”

For more specific advice on making friends on your campus, reach out to peer mentors. At USF, you can contact Student COMPASS leaders, located on the USF St. Petersburg campus, and Peer Academic Leaders (PALs), located on the Tampa campus.

5. How to Join an Ongoing Group Conversation

We’ve shown how easy it can be to strike up a one-on-one conversation, but joining a group conversation can be a little trickier. If you see a group of people chatting at a party, try this tip from the book DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, which teaches you how to master practical interpersonal skills, among other things.

First, identify whether the group conversation is closed or open:

• Closed: If the people are standing close together, focusing intently on each other, and talking about something specific to their group, they are probably not looking for new conversation members.
• Open: If the people in the group are occasionally glancing around the room, standing a little apart from each other, and having a more general conversation, they are probably open to newcomers.

Next, directly ask if you can join. When there’s a lull in the group conversation, stand beside a friendly-looking person and ask, “Mind if I join you?”

Once you’ve joined the group, smile and keep your body language open (e.g., keep your arms relaxed at your sides, rather than crossed). Ask relevant questions, listen well, and express interest in the other people.

If joining a conversation at a party feels too challenging, try doing group activities around a cause you care about. Community service and civic engagement can help you meet like-minded peers and naturally engage in conversations about how to make the world better together.

4. How to Make Friends

Now that you’ve sharpened your conversation skills and made connections, how do you turn these acquaintances into real friends?

McCabe said that people make friends in two main ways:

• Propinquity: You see the person on a regular basis.
• Homophily: You share similar interests, values, and identities.

That means the best way to make friends is to reach out to peers you see frequently who share something in common with you. For example:

• Classmates
• People who live in your residence hall
• Patrons of your favorite local coffee shop/bookstore/record store
• Club members

After you’ve had a few chats — or if the conversation is going well — invite them to something. I’m studying in the library later if you want to join! I’m going to the sailboat race later; want to come along?

You can even try hosting a group of peers for a gathering like a Valentine’s Day party or a Friendsgiving. Putting yourself out there can feel intimidating, but keep in mind that a lot of your peers are looking for friends, too, and are just as nervous about the whole thing. You’re doing everyone a favor by creating spaces where people can connect.

If you don’t feel like you’re connecting with the people in your social circle, branch out and try new groups and experiences. With hundreds of clubs and organizations across all three campuses, USF Student Activities has something for everyone.

3. How to Grow Your Friendships

It’s easy to see your new friends on a regular basis if you have the same class or club, but you should also make a more intentional effort to check in regularly. For example, if you’ve heard they have a big test coming up, wish them luck, or plan to ask them how it went afterwards.

Once you feel more comfortable with someone, go beyond small talk to share your authentic feelings and ideas. “Vulnerability helps transform acquaintanceships into friendships,” explained Alisha Durosier, a USF journalism major, in this Admit-A-Bull article on friendships. “In college, you will face a lot of unprecedented changes and feelings, many of which your classmates can fully understand. So, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable because it isn’t a sign of weakness but of trust and strength.”

After you’ve hung out a few times, be direct about what you’re looking for in a friendship: “I’m trying to build a close circle of friends in college.”

This opens an opportunity for your new friend to say, “Me too!” But keep in mind that not every potential friendship is going to work out — that’s just part of the process. You’ll find your people, but it may take some work.

If you find that your anxiety is getting in the way of the relationships you want to build, check out our blog post on how to handle social anxiety in college.

2. How to Be Mindful of Others

Being mindful of other people can help you form better relationships. Mindfulness is a technique where you focus on the present moment, without worrying about the past or future. Here’s how to apply this technique to interactions with other people:

• Be present and give your friend your full attention. For example, stick your phone in a side pocket of your backpack so you won’t be tempted to check it.
• Listen actively, paying attention to what the other person is saying and to their body language. Show that you’re listening by nodding empathetically and, when the person is done speaking, asking good questions.
• Focus your energy on the person you’re with instead of worrying about what you’ll say next or whether they like you.
• When you notice your thoughts wandering, gently bring your mind back to the present moment. If you realize you’ve zoned out, don’t pretend like you’ve been following the conversation the whole time. Be honest: “Can you repeat what you just said? I think I missed something.”
• Observe the other person without judgment. Instead of thinking, I can’t believe how worked up this person is over such an easy assignment (judgement), matter-of-factly observe: This person is experiencing anxiety (observation).
• Don’t try to “mind read.” For example, if the other person is being withdrawn, don’t assume it’s because they dislike you. Instead, try to simply be in the moment with them, and acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers: This person seems withdrawn today. I don’t know why. You can also directly ask the person, “You seem quiet today. Are you okay?”
• Go with the flow of the conversation rather than trying to control it.

These tips have been modified from the workbook DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets. If you want more individualized advice, a trained counselor at your school can help you build communication skills similar to these.  At USF, students can access free counseling offered both in-person and online.

1. How to Ask for What You Need

Asking for what you need isn’t always easy, but it’s an essential tool in college — especially if you have roommates! You can use the DEAR MAN tool to help you positively assert yourself and get a better response from other people.

DEAR is an acronym for how you can communicate your request:

• Describe the situation you’re experiencing. For example, let’s say your roommate plays loud video games until 2 a.m. every night. Use objective, neutral language to explain your situation, without blaming the other person or being aggressive. “I notice you often stay up late and play games until 2 a.m.”
• Tell them how this is affecting you. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, focusing on your feelings without accusing the other person. “I go to bed early, so it’s hard for me to sleep. Because I’m not rested, my grades aren’t doing as well.”
• Ask them for the action you need them to take. “I’d really like it if you could go to bed earlier.”
• If they agree to do what you ask, give them positive feedback: “Thank you so much, this is going to make a big difference for me in my studies!” Once they actually do what you’ve asked, reward them again: “Thanks for going to bed earlier last night. I slept so much better!”

MAN is an acronym for how you can approach the conversation:

• Mindfully focus. Focus on your goal (getting your roommate to change their behavior so you can sleep). Don’t let your roommate distract you or lead you into an argument.
• Appear confident. Be respectful and kind, but assertive. Stand tall and make eye contact if possible.
• Negotiate. In the example we’ve given, you may have to be flexible and come to a compromise. Maybe your roommate won’t go to bed earlier, but they will wear headphones and stay quiet after your bedtime. However, in other instances, you may not want to negotiate. It’s okay to stick to your boundaries and reassert your needs.

This tool should be used when you feel that you are in a safe situation. If you are experiencing abuse or violence — or if you think this conversation may trigger abuse or violence — contact an expert who can help. USF’s Center for Victim Advocacy offers free, confidential support, advocacy, safety planning, and more. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

USF Is Ready to Help

If you’re a USF student, check out our Health and Wellness page to find out how we can help you develop the skills you need to thrive in college and beyond.

Ready to join the supportive community USF offers? We’re always excited to answer questions about the admissions process. Reach out to us online, or give us a call at 813-974-3350.